Kathleen (for the 100th time): Dad, I need a phone. All the cool girls are getting them!
Me: Well, you are either going to have to figure out how to be cool without one, or you are going to have to figure out how to live without being cool. I think either one will be a valuable lesson for you.
Kathleen: But dad, I need to be cool!
Me: Kathleen, you are not made better by what you have, you are made better by who you are.
Kathleen: Fine, whatever. So what do I have to do to be a “good person.”
Me: Well, you could begin by stopping bothering me about getting a phone.
Kathleen: Worst. Talk. Ever.
Jennifer is out of town so I had to take the girls with me to a doctors visit.
Doctor: “Are you allergic to anything?”
Kathleen: “Yep, just mom.”
Doctor: “Well all husbands are allergic to their wives.”
Me: “Oh. No. She doesn’t mean I am allergic to my wife. She means my wife is allergic to some things.”
Doctor looks at me. Pauses. “Sure.”
Lucy is getting a cold and didn’t sleep well last night. To explain the situation this morning she pointed to the Kleenex: “I had to keep using that for my fluffy nose.”
I didn’t correct her. If during colds our noses actually got fluffy instead of stuffy, I think that would be a better world.
Heading to bed, Kathleen clicks off the television: “TV, you’re off for the day. Every character in every show: get some sleep. We’ll see you tomorrow.”
Kathleen: “What are fossils?”
Jennifer: “Fossils are really old bones.”
Kathleen: “So, like you and dad have fossils holding up your body?”
While putting up lights I came to one section of one string that was not lighting up. So I plopped myself down in the front lawn with the string and a handful of replacement bulbs.
Lucy was playing nearby and came over to help.
“How long is this going to take dad?” She asked.
“Well,” I responded, “I’m going to change each bulb all the way to the end to see which one is the problem.”
“This is the dumbest work ever,” she concluded.
Lucy and I are not cut out to be Christmas elves.
Lucy wanted a leaf skirt like Tinker Bell. We have leaves, and I have a stapler, and mom was out of the house, so ….
Kathleen: “Why is this show called Inspector Gadget? It should be called Penny. Gadget is only good at being silly. He can’t even recognize Brain when he is in a disguise. The disguises aren’t even good. I can recognize Brain. But Inspector Gadget can’t.”
Apparently my daughter inherited my cynicism. (I’m so proud!)
Me: “Kathleen, when you get out of the bath you need to dry off your legs.”
Kathleen: “But I like my legs all shiny.”
Me: “You are going to drip all over the place, that’s what water does.”
Kathleen: “No, water can evaporate into a gas. Then it forms clouds in the atmosphere, where it collects into small droplets and falls back to the earth as rain.”
Me: “Well, that’s all true, but … Just dry your legs.”
My daughter is making me anti-education.
Kathleen, in response to a comment I thought was helpful: “Dad, everyone knows that. Like babies who are still in their mommies’ bellies already know that …. well, ok, probably not them, but still.”