Send me a kiss by wire

Kathleen (for the 100th time): Dad, I need a phone. All the cool girls are getting them!

Me: Well, you are either going to have to figure out how to be cool without one, or you are going to have to figure out how to live without being cool. I think either one will be a valuable lesson for you.

Kathleen: But dad, I need to be cool!

Me: Kathleen, you are not made better by what you have, you are made better by who you are.

Kathleen: Fine, whatever. So what do I have to do to be a “good person.”

Me: Well, you could begin by stopping bothering me about getting a phone.

Kathleen: Worst. Talk. Ever.

Bedside Manner

Jennifer is out of town so I had to take the girls with me to a doctors visit.

Doctor: “Are you allergic to anything?”

Me: “No.”

Kathleen: “Yep, just mom.”

Doctor: “Well all husbands are allergic to their wives.”

Me: “Oh. No. She doesn’t mean I am allergic to my wife. She means my wife is allergic to some things.”

Doctor looks at me. Pauses. “Sure.”

A Couple of Humbugs

While putting up lights I came to one section of one string that was not lighting up. So I plopped myself down in the front lawn with the string and a handful of replacement bulbs.

Lucy was playing nearby and came over to help.

“How long is this going to take dad?” She asked.

“Well,” I responded, “I’m going to change each bulb all the way to the end to see which one is the problem.”

“This is the dumbest work ever,” she concluded.

I nodded.

Lucy and I are not cut out to be Christmas elves.12316470_935112096575702_7365354252007506850_n

Science vs. Propriety

Me: “Kathleen, when you get out of the bath you need to dry off your legs.”

Kathleen: “But I like my legs all shiny.”

Me: “You are going to drip all over the place, that’s what water does.”

Kathleen: “No, water can evaporate into a gas. Then it forms clouds in the atmosphere, where it collects into small droplets and falls back to the earth as rain.”

Me: “Well, that’s all true, but … Just dry your legs.”

My daughter is making me anti-education.