Cafeteria Christians

Me: “What did you study today in Sunday School?”

Kathleen: “Moses and the Ten Commandments.”

Me: “Oh cool. Can you name them?”

Kathleen and Lucy, talking over one another: “Worship God. Don’t steal. Don’t murder. Don’t be jealous … umm”

Me: “You haven’t gotten to the most important one yet. I’m waiting!”

Kathleen and Lucy: …

Jennifer: “It starts: Honor your …”

Lucy: “Your family?”

Me: “No.”

Kathleen: “Your God?”

Me: “No.”

Lucy “Your golden calf?”

Me: “No!”

Lucy: “Yea, that didn’t sound right.”

Jennifer and I: “Honor your mother and father.”

Kathleen: “Oh… We aren’t going to follow that one.”

Lucy: “Yea. That’s a bad one.”

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Objectified

Kathleen: “Why did you decide to date dad? He doesn’t even like chocolate.”

Jennifer: “I knew that if I dated your dad there would be more chocolate left for me.”

Kathleen: “Oh, that makes sense.”

Roasted

Playing a game with the family the other night, Lucy lost the last two rounds and was acting like she was upset that she hadn’t at least been able to best Jennifer. At least most of it was an act.

But Kathleen couldn’t resist turning the screw. So in a snotty voice she announced: “Lucy, you lost again!”

Lucy looked at Kathleen then turned her head toward the far wall of the room. She pointed to a picture on the wall and said: “Hey Kathleen. Do you remember when you were cute?”

Five minutes later, when we all stopped laughing, I told them to be nice to each other.

Seinfeld I Ain’t

We stopped by McDonalds drive through after Church today to grab lunch.

As we pulled away I asked the girls if they knew where we were headed. Both of them replied “Home!”

To this I responded “Nope. I’m taking you to the dentist. It’s a surprise!”

The girls audibly rolled their eyes. Lucy attempted to catch me in my lie. “If we were going to the dentist, you wouldn’t have just gotten us all that food,” she protested.

“Oh no?” I replied, “This has all been a well developed rouse to trap you!”

Kathleen and Lucy then abandoned attempts at rational refutation. They rapidly descended to finished me off in a one-two punch.

Kathleen: “Dad, you could be a comedian.”

Lucy: “Yea. Just not a good one.”

Ecclesilucy

I don’t know exactly what Lucy has been studying in Sunday School, but tonight at dinner Kathleen was in a bad mood and ruing life (because we won’t let her have a sleepover with a boy).

So Lucy says: “That’s just like in the Bible when the guy says: ‘Everything under the sun is stupid.’ Man, he asked for wisdom. Wisdom! We need to talk about how you define wisdom!”

My daughters head is a hot mess of biblical knowledge.

Sharper Image

Usually on back to school night, Jennifer goes to meet teachers while I stay home with the girls. But this Tuesday we decided the girls were old enough to stay home by themselves. This allowed Jennifer and me to split up, each going to one girl’s class.

I’m sure there was lots to learn, but I ended up fixating on Lucy’s pencils while I sat at her desk. The graphite tip had fallen out of every one she had. Clearly, we need to get our daughter better pencils, but for the short term I decided at least to sharpen them for her. So it was that when Jennifer got done with Kathleen’s teacher she had time to walk to Lucy’s room and still found me uncomfortably crouched over, grinding away with a classic wall mounted pencil sharpener that was affixed to a bookcase at about waist height.

Lucy went to school yesterday and did not mention her newly sharpened pencils last night, so I decided to ask her about it this morning.

Me: “Did you see I sharpened your pencils?!”

Lucy: “Yea. But you didn’t do all of them.”

Me: “Well I did the ones at the top of your desk.”

Lucy: “Yea. Why didn’t you leave me a note? You always leave me a note.”

Me: “Well I’ve never actually gone to this before, so I guess Mom usually leaves you a note.”

Lucy: “She usually leaves a note that says she loves us.”

Me: “Well I showed you I love you by sharpening your pencils!”

Lucy: “Dad, that is seriously the stupidest way to love someone.”

It’s nice being appreciated.