Adam Sandler and Lucy

Kathleen just announced to her mother and me that she feels that we should put Lucy in anger management classes.

And you know, despite the sibling rivalry coloring her perspective, she ain’t entirely wrong!

Church Hooky

Katheen put her foot down this morning. She was not going to go to church.

Jennifer attempted some mental jujitsu by suggesting that it was fine for her to stay home, but she would not be allowed to watch TV or use any other electronics for the rest of the day.

Kathleen called Jennifer’s bluff.

At this point I stepped in and escalated the situation. I said that it was fine that Kathleen was staying home as this would give us lots of time to work on her reading.

We sat down and started into Kathleen’s chosen book on how to care for a Guinea Pig (it’s aspirational reading). She made it halfway through the first paragraph, hit the word “characteristics” and promptly announced that she now regretted her decision not to go to church.

We quickly got her dressed and in the van in time to make it to Sunday School. So #win.

But now we have come dangerously close to using reading as a punishment.

I don’t think this ends well.

She’s tricky …

Me: “Kathleen, is there anything you don’t like about being a kid?”

Kathleen: “Yea. When my parents tell me that I can’t do something.”

Me: “That makes sense.”

Kathleen: “And by ‘parents’ I mean ‘mom,’ because you can’t say no to your daughters.”

Me: “Excuse me! I can tell you no, and I have told you no!”

Kathleen: “Here, let’s see. Tell me no.”

Me: “No!”

Kathleen: “See, you do whatever I tell you too.”

Me: …

Stream of … ok, let’s call it “consciousness”

Excerpt from a discussion on the ride home from gymnastics …

Lucy: “Where did people come up with constellations?”

Me: “Like star constellations?”

Lucy: “Yea.”

Me: “Well, today we think of constellations as things that people make up, but I don’t think that people have always thought about them that way. Some people just thought that they were part of the sky; like God made them to look like a dipper or whatever. And they thought that they could use the messages from God to tell us about what was going to happen in the world ….”

Lucy: “One day I am going to make an App called ‘I don’t want to talk to you.’”

Me: “Um. Ok.”

Lucy: “Your phone will have a magnet that lets you attach it to your face, then a picture of you on the phone will just say things like ‘really … you don’t say … hmmm …’ so that the person thinks you are paying attention.”

Me: “I see.”

Lucy: “Did you know that I am a great actress?”

Me: “No.”

Lucy: “Like today I acted like I was eaten by an alligator, but I escaped.”

Me: “Really?”

Lucy: “Yes. One day I want to live in the jungle.”

Me: “With alligators?”

Lucy: “Yep. And lions, and monkeys, and snakes, and Chihuahuas.”

Me: “Chihuahuas?!?! WHAT?!?!”

Lucy: “Chihuahuas. You know, the little dogs.”

Me: “Yes. Yes I do.”

Lucy: “And there will be leopards, and rattle snakes. And you can come visit.”

Me: “I don’t know that I will want to visit with all those scary animals.”

Lucy: “I said I would have Chihuahuas.”

Me: “Yes, but you also said you would have snakes.”

Lucy: “I won’t have any pythons.”

Me: “I am actually less worried about pythons than I am about rattle snakes.”

Lucy: “Ok, I’ll have baby pandas. Will that work?”

Me: “I will visit to see the baby pandas.”

And scene …


Out at dinner, while Jennifer and Lucy are in the restroom, a toddler walks by our table. Seeing Kathleen he waves and loudly says “Hi!”

Kathleen looks at the little boy and offers a cheerless “Hi.”

The child’s parents are now emerging from their booth. They smile at their child and tell him, “Say goodbye!”

“GOODBYE!!!” the toddler practically yells.

Kathleen stares blankly.

I elbow her in the ribs. “Say: Goodbye.” Kathleen makes a pathetic effort at smiling and says: “Goodbye.”

After the boy and his family shuffle off, Kathleen turns to me: “Sorry, I’m not good at talking to children.”

It’s official, my nine year old daughter is a grumpy old man.