Theology according to Kathleen

Kathleen's leader at church camp said she had really good questions today during Bible study, but by the time we talked tonight she mostly had answers. Here are some things I learned from my daughter.

The devil got in a fight with God and God won. Then God made hell as a prison for the devil. However, it was apparently not a very secure prison, because the devil escaped and showed up as a serpent to Adam and Eve. And now you never know when the devil could show up. "He got out once. He could do it again."

In any case, the Devil is really in charge of hell, even though it is his prison. When I asked how this could be, Kathleen responded: "Well you know how all prisons have prison gangs?" I responded that I was now curious about how Kathleen got his information, but we left it aside in service to further theological exploration.

Hell is below the earth (like a thousand feet). We could dig too it, but it's not much larger than our house and it's invisible, so it's really hard to find. In any case, why would you want to dig there, because you would get burned? And hell is guarded by a three headed dog. The dog is like the devil's pet. Kathaleen's side comment : "Remind me never to go to hell!"

When queried further, Kathleen ran to the remote and turned on an episode of My Little Ponies saying that "It could answer all our questions." From that she produced the picture of "Hell" complete with three headed dog, and the devil. (See below). However, she also notes that the devil is a shape-shifter, so don't count on him looking exactly like this.

Heaven is in the air. We went back and forth on how far out it is to heaven. She first claimed that it was also "like a thousand feet high." However, when pushed she explained that God lives above Zeus' house, so it must be higher. When pressed on whether astronauts could get there, she claimed (1) that it was "ABOVE THE ATMOSPHERE!!!" and (2) that since it is on a cloud it is mobile, so we could never find it.

God looks "like he does in all the pictures." Brown beard, long hair, and he is apparently a white guy. He hangs out in heaven, leading people.

To get to heaven you have to believe in God, and it doesn't matter if you are mean or nice. Or maybe you have to be a good person and believe in God. She isn't entirely clear.

You don't have to be a Christian to go to heaven. God shows up in different religions. God has no children, but it would be really cool if God had a daughter who would start a new religion. Kathleen would TOTALLY join that religion.

I continued to prod, but eventually Kathleen decided we should move on. Or, in her words: "Come on Dad, let's talk about something important, like my love life."

When queried about her love life, she reported that she does not have one. That does seem important.

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